The naked truth on love, life, friendship, relationships, and of course sex! Courtesy of a 21st century chick

The continuation of blogs 'A year in the life of a 20-something year old' and 'Ser3ndipity' (Links Below)


Thursday 20 March 2014

New Blog Link


For those of you who were following here but felt I had stopped blogged here's the latest link.  I've gone through a few quiet phases since this whole thing began back at NY 2009 and a lot has happened since then.  Keep following:

http://ser3ndipity3.blogspot.co.uk/

Monday 10 February 2014

Perseverence

perseverance
pəːsɪˈvɪər(ə)ns/
noun
  1. 1.
    persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.
    "medicine is a field which requires dedication and perseverance"
    synonyms:persistencetenacitydeterminationresolveresolution, resoluteness,staying power, purposefulness, firmness of purpose; More


I feel like a potato.  I'm versatile, liked by most and a great all rounder but not exactly the most exotic or interesting looking.  I can be chopped up, diced into little pieces, mashed, bashed and dissected but at the end of the day, however small the fragments are... A potato to the end.  Strong and proud and never to be underestimated.

2013 was the year I felt great things were lined up in the Universe for me. The year with the unlucky number attached.  Perfect for this chick.  It seems however that life was set to conspire against me, lure me into a false sense of security and then create a web so complex and dark that up becomes down and East becomes West.

I have no such hopes for 2014 and so here I am, a simple potato only this time I won't be blindsided.

No job, No money, No guy, No security and No prospects, but the last trumps them all... No plans to give up.

I will see you 2013 and I will raise you the remaining months of 2014.  I am going to step up, beat down the bullshit and take you down and I am going to blog my stubborn, creative, bruised but not yet broken ass during the process. 

New attitude.  New URL.

Link to be posted later today.

Perseverance - Terrorvision
click for link

Wednesday 5 February 2014

Stolen Privacy & Blog Longing

In the last month there have been a heap of times when I've wanted to post on here, I've opened my laptop, signed in, clicked 'new' and then have decided against it.  101 topics have been flowing through my mind, most of which interesting and yet somehow I've not been able to click the buttons and write the page.  I wasn't sure why but then it hit me.

When I started this blog it was a release.  An unknown page where I could vent and release all my thoughts, feelings, laughs, worries and insights to an unknown crowd without being judged.  Putting your heart and soul out there for the world to see isn't an easy feat and so while my location, face and name have never been disclosed, the content of these pages have been nothing if not brutally honest.  A place where I can show my many faces without worrying what people think.

The thing is... A while ago, that release was breached.  My little piece of sanity in this world was tracked down, scrolled through and wolfed down by someone in my day-to-day life. Someone who knew I had the blog and despite knowing what pleasure it gave me to submerge my innermost thoughts into the world anonymously, how it helped me cope, and made me smile, they decided to steal it.  They stole the hiding place for my words and in doing so took my go-to place.  My safe haven.

I was in one of the deepest darkest places I've ever been in 2009 when I scrawled my first page and the whole thing has been the biggest form of free therapy a 21st century chick could ask for.  The question is can I bring myself to continue... knowing that this person; someone from my real-world, a thief, who wasn't invited into this realm of reality, could at any given time find and read my inner most thoughts is disgusting to me. 

I'm torn.  

I'm at a point in my life when I feel waffling on about nonsense with the occasional blurb about how I'm feeling is just what the Dr ordered and is exactly what I need right now.  Especially knowing that some of you have been with me on my journey since it started and I really enjoy getting your messages and comments; but I hate that in doing so I'm opening myself up to someone else without invitation.  OOJ told me he would never read my blog after he found it and I wanted to believe him but realistically I've written very little since.  Do I throw it all away and start again, saying goodbye to Ser3ndipity and all of you...?  Or do I leave myself open in a way that no-one ever does to the people in their lives?  

In an ideal world we all know that if you found somebodies diary you should leave the pages unturned, but how many of us could resist.

I miss my blog and I hate that someone took it away from me.

Gabrielle Aplin - Salvation
click for link

Saturday 11 January 2014

22 Days and Counting

My life has gone horribly wrong.  Things couldn't be on the downturn anymore if they tried.  

Despite applying for 387 jobs and counting and having attended in excess of 60 interviews at various stages, this morning I opened the mail and received 2 more 'unsuccessful' responses and keeping me at 0 offers.  Positive thinking can only carry you so far before you being to question your very ability and once that happens of course you are going to be useless.

I thought I was one more rejection away from popping when I interviewed for a position this last Monday.  I fell in love with the company over the course of interviews and was certain that I had sold myself as well as possible at the final stage.  Yet... I opened a crisp white envelope this morning telling me yet again that I have somehow fallen short of the grade.

I haven't blogged in a while as I felt with health things and boy things and job things... THINGS!  I really needed to concentrate on lining my ducks up, but it appears that concentrating my efforts in a productive manner hasn't aided me one iota and so I quit.  

I quit being stressed, I quit getting my hopes up when I make it to the final stage for the 30th time, and I quit thinking that I'm a good person and so something is waiting for me around the corner.  That student loan I can't afford to pay back will just have to wait.  The student overdraft that has now become a noose around my head charging me £1 a day to be sat in it with no escape and the pending knowledge that my non existent credit score (you don't get credit if you have never borrowed) is about to be crushed into nothingness as the debt gets passed elsewhere... well... There is fuck all I can do about it and so why let it make me sick. 

This last 7 days worrying and stressing in between applying for things.  I've number crunched, applied, interviewed, presented, chased up, schmoozed, number crunched some more and there are no two ways about it.  My rent bills and council tax are higher than my in-comings.  I can't get a job either permanent or temporary despite my skills and my consistent chasing up of agencies and applications online and in person (yes I have walked round places) and despite the fact I felt that things in life this disastrous only really happened to 'other people' who really didn't want to work and contribute to society anyway.  It appears.  I am about to get a giant spoon of reality.

In 22 days I shall be homeless.  Let that sink in.  

Homeless.  Me.  A 20 something year old with skills and a want to work. 

Jobless.  Penniless.  Homeless.  Hopeless.  Helpless.  Fuck.

I can't afford my rent/bills and moving out of this place means applying for another with no income is impossible through any agency or private letting person.  Council properties aren't available to me as there are waiting lists and I'm not considered a 'priority' and while there are a few couches I could surf, I am not going to put myself in a position where I am a burden to any of my friends.  The saving grace here is that mum is financially stable and won't be affected by it all.  

So no.  Today and quite possibly tomorrow I shall be getting my head out of this awful awful place and try and think of a creative solution to my problems.  Surely there has to be work out there for someone who wants to work.  Overqualified and Under qualified seems to be kicking the crap outta me at the moment but there must be a work around.  I'm a smart girl and this entire disaster must be avoidable.  Yes.  I just need to work out what I've missed.

Transatlanticism - Death Cab For Cutie
click for link

Wednesday 18 December 2013

Girly MOT

So today was checkup day at the breast clinic and also the day for me to go and have my annual 'sensible people' checkup at the GUM clinic.  Yes... I did just go there.

The breast clinic was really a serious reality check, everything seems so innocent until you open those double doors and are met with a sea of women looking rather pale and wearing hats.  There was something really humbling sat there looking around.  Not because these women are sick, but because they are clearly despite this still part of the grind.  Business suits and damp from the rain, all day bus passes and exhausted wind swept faces.  Life hasn't stopped and they just need to keep on keeping on.  I've been given the thumbs up until my next check-in just after my birthday in Feb.  Happy days.

The MOT however... that was something all together different.  If you are easily grossed out and/or don't like hearing about our lady parts you might want to stop reading now.

For those of you who have never graced the doors of the GUM clinic before first of all... why?!?! and second of all... it is the most surreal waiting room you will ever sit in.  The number one rule is that you must not make eye contact with anyone.  The number two rule is that you need to keep your facial expressions to the minimum.  I mean we all do it; sat there surrounded by self help leaflets and STI posters 'I wonder what she has', 'oh there's a couple that must be a pregnancy', 'she looks too smart to be in here for anything dirty it must be a smear'.  You like to think you are one of the ones that people are grouping into the 'It must be for contraception' brackets but in reality lets face it, everyone is looking about and thinking the same 'dirty trout'.

So as I was saying, my annual STI check (a girl can never be too safe or too smart), my annual smear test (as you do) and this time around the removal of my current best friend the 'you can't get pregnant with me, copper iud'.  Yes it was finally time to part ways with my little gadget.  And now cue the slightly gross but highly amusing Bridget Jones moment:

I was sat in the usual position, laid back, bum on the edge of the bench, knees bent, legs in stirrups with the doctor between my thighs doing her thing while yielding the giant spotlight when I found myself in a moment of utter embarrassing comedy genius.  The doctor had just finished taking the swabs for my tests (god I hate that word... swab... yuck) and was beginning to get herself into position and talk me through the removal of the iud when out of nowhere as if talking to herself I heard the words "Yes that really is a very healthy and good looking cervix"  cue the most bizarre comment I have ever had, me bursting into giggles and then cue the speculum shooting out of my girl parts and hitting her in the face... yes, the face! 

I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me right then and there.  Bridget Jones sliding down her pole and bearing her pants has nothing on that moment.  
The doctor however was professional to a fault and despite having what I think I saw was a silent chuckle to herself she assured me that she was ok and that she would normally ask someone to cough as she removes the iud but on this circumstance she was just going to request that I clear my throat as with my exceptionally strong pelvic floor muscles she didn't want to risk (and I quote) "Losing an eye".  Holy Crap!

On the plus side, if times ever get tough I think I have a potential future career in certain areas of Thailand.

Greg Laswell -This Woman's Work
click for link

Tuesday 17 December 2013

Never Been Married

I'm not sure how it happened.  When did the world change so much?  How did I suddenly become the 'odd one out' in a sea of engaged and married people.

When you're growing up you never really think about being eternally single.  You dream about meeting prince charming (or princess, whatever rocks your world), you hope you don't have to kiss to many ugly frogs along the way, and you just expect the 'Happily Ever After' part to fall into place.  Funny how it never really works out like that.

I remember in my late teens watching people get into serious relationships and wondering what they were thinking, they were too young, they hadn't lived enough and why wouldn't they want to sample all the beauty there is on offer before tying themselves down.  A few fell in and out of love and I myself found Clutz who stole my heart; for a few years at least.  There are a few that have made it, taken young love and have married and settled down with kids.  Do I envy them... not really.  They gave up life's rich pastures too young I think.

In your mid 20s things tend to change.  A new wave of relationships swoops in and before you know it a chunk of your friends have decided that living on the wild side is not for them anymore as they gaze into the eyes of the one person among all the others that sets their heart on fire.  These I think are the lucky ones.  Young enough to embrace experiences and grow together.  Old enough to have taken a walk on the wild side.  These people are now pretty much all married and with kids.
Fast forward to your late 20s and all of a sudden being single isn't as simple anymore.  Most of your friends are in relationships and you suddenly become the source of their 'juicy gossip', who you are dating, who you kissed, what it feels like to be free as a bird.  Compare and contrast and it is a bitter sweet pill you swallow but one you embrace with a deep breath knowing that unlike some in this phase... you were asked and you had offers but none of them were right and you refuse to settle.

Close your eyes and open them again and you find yourself in your early 30s, single, compromise free and suddenly wondering what the hell were you thinking.  Yes you didn't settle and you can't help but feel lucky for that, but the relationships you tried to make work also failed and somehow you're now in the twilight zone.  The last of your friends are now announcing first babies and weddings and even the more hardy suddenly seem to be getting engaged.  Look around and you're surrounded by a sea of couples and somehow you have managed to turn into the party gooseberry.  No longer are you the source of juicy gossip, we all know the sex and the city girls were well in their 30s when they started to settle down but this is real life and if you aren't CEO of some major corporation then you sure as hell better get ready to become accustomed to the pitying looks of 'too much baggage', 'too picky', 'too unrealistic', 'gonna be single forever' and forbid the horror of the 'young spinster' stare.

Yes I can safely say I chose my path to where I am and I stood my ground when lesser men came knocking but I'm not so sure I'm laughing now.  Happily Ever After somehow seems to have become 'Someday Never'.

I wonder if the next stage is cynical.  Oh please no, not cynical!

My someday never song.

Van Morrison - Into The Mystic

PS:  I'm Back

Monday 7 October 2013

30

I stumbled upon a couple of posts relating to this and so lets see how we fit bloggers...

What should you have?

One old long-term boyfriend
check
A piece of non flat-pack furniture
Oops
A tailored work suit
Hmm
A past juicy enough you look forward to telling when you're old
Massive check
An old age fund
Yeah, I'm still in denial about getting old
A CV that isn't even remotely padded
Yeah, this is never going to happen
A satisfying career
I'm still working on this
A tool kit
Double check - one in the house, one in my car *smug
Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself
Myself... bought for anyone would be a surprise.  A solid no here.

What should you know?

How to fall in love without losing yourself
I'm not sure how I feel about this
Whether you want kids
This is a tricky one as I do, but I think perhaps not at this age.  Ola future adoption
When to try harder and when to walk away
I think I'm starting to get this one...  If only I had worked it out earlier
How to kiss in a way that conveys exactly where you want to go next
Nailed it!
Where to go when your soul needs soothing
The beach or a concert... every time!
What you would and wouldn't do for money
Yeah I think it's safe to say I absolutely know how low I'm willing to go
What you would and wouldn't do for love
I'm a sucker when in love, but I don't think I'm a fool... maybe
Who you trust, who you can't and why not to take it personally
I've got this one sorted and I can be as cut throat as the next chick
Not to apologise when something isn't your fault
I'm quick to apologise when something IS but yeah, I'm a stone otherwise

And just because this is a Ser3ndipity blog...
Things you should have done with a naked man (according to cosmo)

Sneak up behind him
I feel this is a no brainer
Let him be an animal
If this is in the literal sense then no... chuckle
Breakout a blindfold
Always
Climb on top
I have to say this particular move is my nemisis... for a sexually confident girl I always go eek when I take this particular bull by the horns
Take a 'sensual' shower
Much easier to do than a sensual bath let me tell you
Find his g-spot
Well ladies, we all know where this is but it takes a deep breath and whole heap of trust for this one.  I have however been on this particular adventure.
Massage his bum
Haha check
Unleash your dominatrix
I love mixing it up like this so a definite check
Give him a striptease
This hasn't always gone to plan - Think copious amounts of hilarity

I don't know about you bloggers... but I am somewhat disappointed by cosmo.   I'm pretty sure I could have made a better list
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